Yesterday we received an amazing care package from Arkansas Bros Dolly H. and Laine G., containing all manner of goodies including Community Coffee New Orleans Blend With Chicory and souvenirs from Dolly’s recent trip to India, where she met the Dalai Lama, etc. Yes, we received stuff blessed by actual monks, and spices from the actual land of Goa. But the real treat was ARTWORK CLOCK.

Those of you who read my Twitter feed know that I painted my campus office an inadvertently pseudo-nautical shade of blue, and was concerned about how best to make the most of it. ARTWORK CLOCK is the obvious solution. It is full of complexity and surprise. For example, when I say the words ARTWORK CLOCK, what image comes to your mind? Got one? Was it THIS?

Yes, friends, ARTWORK CLOCK is a plastic sculpture of a motorized sailboat, whose decorative base reads “Sweet Time,” whose sails are embellished with two different kinds of pink glitter stripes, and which displays a quartz clock set against a picture of an entirely different sailboat. It is art, it is clock, it is two boats in one, and yet no boats at all. It is designed with a conspicuous lack of precision (only two of the four pegs that secure the sails to the boat reach their bases at any given time), which lends it an air of precariousness, not unlike a boat upon the waves of this ever-changing ocean we call life—nay, not unlike TIME ITSELF, when kept by a novelty boat sculpture powered by a single AA battery.

The box in which ARTWORK CLOCK was packaged is itself a work of art; the copy is poetry:


  • Time is so rare and precious
  • Simulation a true style
  • Suit both refined and popular taste

So true, ARTWORK CLOCK. So very true.

If you’re wondering about the hat to the left of ARTWORK CLOCK, that is another part of our gift: half of a his ‘n’ hers pair of hats to remind us and our Canadian neighbors that we are ALL CAPS ALL AMERICAN.



I’m not exactly sure why the embroidered Confederate flag on the back is so warped, but I suspect it is because it is waving proudly in the wind that is the spirit of American patriotism. As you can see, our hats, like ARTWORK CLOCK, suit both refined and popular tastes, which is perfect for D and me, as we are the epitome of refined and popular. I propose we don our caps, crack open some PBRs, and sit in our Dodge Ram exuding American pride. THAT’S RIGHT, CANADA. THAT’S AMERICA. FEEL IT.

4 thoughts on “ARTWORK CLOCK.

  1. well, let me know when you do this and i will sit in the back of the roommate’s p/u truck at the same time in a show of solidarity with my expat brethren wearing my Dale Ernhardt (sp?), Jr. National Guard NASCAR hat drinking PBRs as well. it will help me ignore the fact that i am too broke to move to a job that will help me not to be broke anymore.

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