I present the text of the letter I just mailed to Bank of America:
Dear Bank of America,
I wish to close my checking and savings accounts, #————, immediately. My decision not to bank with Bank of America any longer is due entirely to the bank’s policies of excessive overdraft fees and shady deposit timing. My online account information currently shows that I accrued two $35 fees yesterday because a couple charges posted more quickly than an electronic deposit, and another $35 fee pending as a direct result of the $70 in fees. This is not the first time I have been caught in this bank’s endless spiral of fees, but it will be the last. In the past I have spoken with customer service representatives on the phone who were able to credit bank fees back to me in exactly these circumstances. This time, I spoke with a representative who would not credit them back (I know she is required to say it is “not the bank’s policy,” but since I have received such courtesies in the past, I know “bank policy” is completely arbitrary), and who, in addition, suggested that the reason I accrued these fees is because I am not intelligent enough to count. I suppose I’ve put up with being screwed by your company in the past, but I will not be both screwed and insulted. I am done with you.
I want you to close my account and send me written confirmation, as well as a check for any remaining funds. I will not come in to do this in person as I have absolutely no desire to have any association with your company whatsoever. I am forwarding this letter to both my local branch and the national headquarters. If you wish to communicate with me on this matter, I will put you in touch with my lawyer.
In addition to my $105, they owe me a goddamn afternoon.