A rare Personal Life post for my virtual friends.

First, a question re: The Friends-Locked Post. Do you think it’s weird that when I need to talk about personal matters—things, some might say, that actually matter—I turn to those of you I know mainly through the internet? It’s a longtime habit, in a way. I don’t divulge Things That Matter to anyone, usually, which may be why I’ve never had a real true forevah and evah BFF, and why I flunked out of psychotherapy after only a few months. I’ve always written those things down, in a place where no one would see them, and now I can write them down in a place where people will see them, and maybe offer some virtual hugs and useful advice, but—importantly—not anyone I’m going to run into at work, or at happy hour, or at Thanksgiving.

So, to answer my own question, no. I guess it’s not that weird.

I don’t have a long sob story or anything. It’s just that I woke up this morning with a stone in my chest, which was not actually a stone, of course, but an absolute conviction that some time ago, I met the only person (we’ll call him Z) I could ever really be with, who would ever understand me and get my jokes and be frustrated by my shortcomings but not mystified by them, and we fell in love and should have lived happily ever after, but there was this one thing he couldn’t do for me right now, which was live where I live, so I left him, and spent some time with someone who is Absolutely Not Like Him to see how that felt, and in the end it felt horrible, so that wasn’t such a great idea, and now I’ve met someone else who is really not horrible, not even a little bit, in fact he’s quite wonderful, and he’s willing to do the one thing Z couldn’t do, which is pack up and live where I live, which I seem to have given him permission to do, because I love Fayetteville but I’m goddamn lonely almost all of the time, and which would be lovely, his moving here, except that I’m not sure I believe he’ll ever understand me, or get my jokes, or not be mystified by my shortcomings when he realizes that I have them.

Do you ever wonder who put you in charge of your own life? If I could find the person who put me in charge of mine, I would fucking kick him in the head right now.

Thanks for listening, friends.

33 thoughts on “A rare Personal Life post for my virtual friends.

  1. In regards to the first part, I completely understand where your coming. Secondly, I think that fellow sounds pretty cool. It’s tough leaving that area of personal comfort, such as a solid relationship, and having to deal with the fear that we may never find it again. I say go for it! You’re awesome!

    In unrelated matters, I love the structure of that last paragraph. Very cathartic!

  2. As to part one: Nope, not weird in the least. In fact, it makes perfect sense to me, esp. for those of us who feel more articulate in text than we do in speech. (BTW: “flunked out of psychotherapy”–bwahahahaha!)

    The other part…well, that’s trickier. I do think I can do the forevah thing with FoolMan (or I wouldn’t have done the “I do” think last summer). But, believe me, the fact that the previous administration (a.k.a., the bastard who lied to me and broke my heart) immediately “got” and shared all my references to Victorian poems and ’80s pop songs and, God help me, jokes about grammar and punctuation, while FoolMan actually fell asleep in the theater the one time I managed to drag him to a Shakespeare play…well, it took a leap of faith to get past my desire to be understood all the time. In the end, I decided it was better to be loved and appreciated (and treated honestly), even if we have some differences in style and preferences. (And we *do* still manage to laugh together a lot and share many things, of course.)

    Love’s a beyotch. But it’s also pretty grand. I can’t help you, but I can offer a text-based *hug* while you work it out.

    And if you find that eedjit who declared grownups have to be in charge of their own lives, you can give him a smackdown for me too.

    • I think is the kind of thing/advice all girls should hear:
      But, believe me, the fact that the previous administration (a.k.a., the bastard who lied to me and broke my heart) immediately “got” and shared all my references to Victorian poems and ’80s pop songs and, God help me, jokes about grammar and punctuation, while FoolMan actually fell asleep in the theater the one time I managed to drag him to a Shakespeare play…well, it took a leap of faith to get past my desire to be understood all the time. In the end, I decided it was better to be loved and appreciated (and treated honestly), even if we have some differences in style and preferences.

      Seriously. That kind of thing is so hard to understand, but OH, so right. Unk is tortured by musicals — one of my top 10 forms of entertainment. But he’s SO much better for me than any of his predecessors who would watch them with me …

      I’m also happy to see E-F makes the same thing/think typoo I do 🙂

      • Oh yeah. A professional-type person taught me this in high school when she responded to my rhapsodic description of my latest boyfriend, who shared my penchant for weird music but was bad for me in every other way, with a dry, “There’s a lot more to love than musical taste.” In high school, that was a revelation, ya know?

      • “There’s a lot more to love than musical taste.” In high school, that was a revelation, ya know?

        Too bad I was in my late 20s before I really got that.

        E-F, slow learner.

      • I’m also happy to see E-F makes the same thing/think typoo I do 🙂

        Oh, lordy–it’s one of my worst! I saw this one just as I was hitting the “post” button and thought, “Crappage! Did it again…”

      • hee hee!

        blame for “typoo” — that came from one of our late-night sessions working on the BC Newsletter 🙂

        Ant, waffling between her B&B icon and the “poo” one

      • See, this is why I *love* you guys. The rapid degeneration of this thread into Beavis and Butt-head territory has given me my first real giggle of the day. (And I just came out of a faculty meeting, so your timing is blessed.)

      • I loved the whole Alexandria Quartet. So much so that I’m a little afraid to reread them, because what are the odds they’re as good in real life as in my memory?

      • I haven’t gotten through the quartet yet. It’s kind of like I’m saving them for when I really need a treat. I started reading Clea once at somebody’s beach house, and the first few pages just about made my head explode.

        I actually meant to type this comment under Zugenia’s original post, but it doesn’t surprise me that you would have the fantastic taste to enjoy The Alexandria Quartet, E-F.

  3. Just wanted you to know I listened 🙂

    For me, when I have something “heavy”, I actually lock it so only my iFriends can read it. Everything else is public, open to family and strangers. Odd, that.

    *hugs*

  4. I’m sorry it’s been a sucky lonely time, and that it has not gotten any less complicated with time. Stupid universe.

    Do you know for a fact that the current lover boy is not going to get your jokes, love you for and in spite of oddities, etc? Maybe it’s a case where you don’t know yet what kind of attachment you can expect from different sorts of people from Z. Long term monogamy can be very secure and wonderful but can also fuck up your ideas of affection, can make it seem like there’s only one acceptable version. Maybe current lover boy will have his own version of things to bring to the table and it will be absolutely unexpectedly wonderful.

    In any case, good luck with the whole thing. Invisible hugs from invisible friends.

  5. As someone who’s got a similar kind of stone in her chest and is not dealing with it very well, I have no business commenting on the situation with Z. I’ll just echo what others have said here: love comes in all sorts of flavors, and you might find something with your new man that is just as good as what you had with Z, except different.

    On the ethics of letting the new man move to be with you… how much is he giving up by doing that? If he’s giving up a lot, you might want to tell him to hold off for a bit. But if he’s ready for a change anyway, don’t second-guess him: let him go ahead and move, and see what happens next.

  6. David and I lived long distance for 5 years as we went through grad schools and post docs, and living in the same time zone (let alone together) required considerable planning and sacrifice.

    Even though we’d known each other since we were 19 and had been a couple for a while, doing everything it took to get together still required a great leap of faith. None of it was like I had anticipated, but it’s all worked out in ways I could never have anticipated, either.

    Most days, I don’t think that anyone is in charge of my life.

  7. No. It’s not that weird.

    I’ve been married for 17 years, and B. doesn’t understand me. But he does love me, and he’s committed (like I am) to making what we have work. And that’s the most important thing. We do get most of the same jokes, but he doesn’t seem to think websites like this are as hysterically funny as I do. Go figure. 🙂 And we will never, ever see completely eye to eye on politics. But it works somehow.

    It’s okay to grieve for Z. But it’s okay to give the new guy a chance too. It might even be better. You can’t know unless you try.

    I’m hoping for the best for you.

  8. AS to the first part, no. I don’t think it IS weird, and I have a met a few people here that I correspond with *privately*. they’ve been hearing a lot about my problems, lately, and they have responded in a more caring way than my family would. I have even toyed with the idea of posting it to ‘the entire world’ (not so much, since my LJ is friends-locked).

    As for the second part – I understand the stone in your chest. And I am sorry. I believe I am one of the people on this earth who does NOT have a *partner* or a *significant other* anywhere on this green earth, and I understand lonely.

    ((((hugs))))

    No help, I know, but I do understand.

  9. Do I find the virtual friends thing weird. Absolutely not. My live journal is friends locked. I will never, ever allow a family member or real life friend here.

    As for the love thing. One question–with Z, you said he “got you”. But, did you totally get him? Did you understand him, get his jokes, and accept his shortcomings? One thing about love–it isn’t a 50/50 proposition. It only works properly as a 100/100% proposition. So, with New Guy, do you get him? Do you see his shortcomings and love them?

    And, one final thing—there is something to be said for mysteries. After 28 years, Johnnie and I are pretty in-tune. But, we married after knowing each other for less than 4 months. I didn’t even know if he “got me”, and I knew that we had at least one huge, major difference. But, we had a darn good time learning all those things. Even now, one of us will say or do something, and we will look at him/her in amazement, “I didn’t know you wanted/believed/had done that!” It’s lots of fun!

  10. Maybe no one is in charge of your life, and you are just a leaf floating downstream, trying to stear clear of debris, rocks, and branches.

    At least that is how I see my life with all its crazy twists & turns.

    (((hugs)))

  11. I read all this, but all the cool people said all the right things already, so I’ll just leave a hug ((((((((((((((((((((((((z)))))))))))))))

  12. I don’t think the internet friends thing is weird at all. Do you have any idea how hard it is to meet women like those here in LJ land? Sometimes I get a false sense of security when I spend so much time here, and I think people like me are everywhere…and then I leave the house. I’ve met quite a few of my “imaginary” friends in person. Some have clicked in reality, and some have not, but I’d never have met them anywhere else. And I love discussing very personal things here–people listen, they usually don’t lecture or try to fix things, they just let me be me, and that’s a treasure indeed. I’ve never had a long-time BFF (although I have BMFs that have lasted over 20 years), probably because I don’t much like women unless they’re a lot like me; and that has been hard to find.

    On love: There once was a man who was perfect for me in every way; we ‘got’ each other in every way, we were volatile and passionate, and he was so gorgeous he made me weep. It was LOVE in ALLCAPS–I was love’s bitch. I thought I’d die without him. And then I married a long-time friend who didn’t like to read, or see the same movies I did, and he definitely didn’t have an adventurous palate…but there’s more to love than that. After nine years we have our own private language and a series of in-jokes that nobody else in the world could get. We share the same values, and I know he’s one of a handful of people in this world I can rally trust. I can’t imagine being with anyone else, but if you had told me 15 years ago that I’d end up with him, I’d have laughed my ass off. The ‘daily-ness’ takes work, but it’s worth it. I’ve never been one of those who believes in the ‘soulmate/only one person for each person’ theory. As with most things, a relationship is what you make of it.

    I was the one who put me in charge of my life, and I did it at age 7, and I’ve been damned pissed off at anyone who has tried to take over the job ever since, so I’m no earthly help at all on that last part at all. 😉

    More invisible (((((hugs)))))) from an imaginary friend.

  13. Good luck with not-Z. He doesn’t have to understand you or get your jokes. And it’s nice if he’s mystified by your shortcomings; it’d be grim if he was expecting them.

    And maybe he can teach your new jokes. And maybe it’ll be fun, being loved without being understood.

    You’re not in charge of your own life. None of us are. The universe is in charge…

    …and it’s not doing a very good job, but it keeps us on our toes.

    Best wishes.

  14. It seems completely normal to me to tell your virtual friends about stuff, even if it’s just to get it straight in your own head. Real life friends and family may interpret how these things affect them personally then try to influence what you should do. Virtual friends have a different kind of investment in you and hope to help you choose the right path for yourself.

    On the love thing, other people have said far more helpful things than I could possibly contribute, so I’ll just offer comforting hugs.

    ((((((zugenia))))))

  15. Your journal is your sanctuary

    Use it how you wish. I’m honored to be included on your friends list and privileged to read this post.

    Re: Z vs. not-Z — All the good stuff has been said, and reruns are boring, so have a hug instead.

    *hug*

  16. LJ is the perfect place to avoid flunking psychotherapy. It got me through my divorce, and I went back and read people’s wonderful insights and comments again and again as *I* changed as a person, and saw new things in what they wrote every time.

    As for the mysteries of love, that’s a hard one. I have no good answers. I applaud you for having the courage to leave someone when there’s one huge deal-breaker among many positives.

  17. Just having a rare wander into LJ and this was the only entry on my friends list that I read, I don’t know why, it just kinda jumped out at me.
    I have no words of wisdom Lady Z, sorry, I’m sure you’ll work it all out.

    If one day you should stumble upon the person who put me in charge of my life 🙂

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