First, a question re: The Friends-Locked Post. Do you think it’s weird that when I need to talk about personal matters—things, some might say, that actually matter—I turn to those of you I know mainly through the internet? It’s a longtime habit, in a way. I don’t divulge Things That Matter to anyone, usually, which may be why I’ve never had a real true forevah and evah BFF, and why I flunked out of psychotherapy after only a few months. I’ve always written those things down, in a place where no one would see them, and now I can write them down in a place where people will see them, and maybe offer some virtual hugs and useful advice, but—importantly—not anyone I’m going to run into at work, or at happy hour, or at Thanksgiving.
So, to answer my own question, no. I guess it’s not that weird.
I don’t have a long sob story or anything. It’s just that I woke up this morning with a stone in my chest, which was not actually a stone, of course, but an absolute conviction that some time ago, I met the only person (we’ll call him Z) I could ever really be with, who would ever understand me and get my jokes and be frustrated by my shortcomings but not mystified by them, and we fell in love and should have lived happily ever after, but there was this one thing he couldn’t do for me right now, which was live where I live, so I left him, and spent some time with someone who is Absolutely Not Like Him to see how that felt, and in the end it felt horrible, so that wasn’t such a great idea, and now I’ve met someone else who is really not horrible, not even a little bit, in fact he’s quite wonderful, and he’s willing to do the one thing Z couldn’t do, which is pack up and live where I live, which I seem to have given him permission to do, because I love Fayetteville but I’m goddamn lonely almost all of the time, and which would be lovely, his moving here, except that I’m not sure I believe he’ll ever understand me, or get my jokes, or not be mystified by my shortcomings when he realizes that I have them.
Do you ever wonder who put you in charge of your own life? If I could find the person who put me in charge of mine, I would fucking kick him in the head right now.
Thanks for listening, friends.