What cable taught me this weekend.

Life provides few joys as pure in their simplicity as the performances of Tim Curry and Ernie Banks in the phenomenally bad 1995 film Congo—Mr. Curry as the Romanian treasure hunter Herkermer Homolka, who sounds a bit like Boris from the original Rocky & Bullwinkle Show, and Mr. Banks as Captain Munro, who explains his role in the doomed jungle expedition thus: “I’m your great white hunter, but I’m black.” The film also features a lovable talking gorilla named Amy,1 played by someone named Lorene Noh, whose only other credit in IMDb is some 1999 television project called Primal Force, in which she played “Baboon patriarch.” If this isn’t enough to convince you to watch it for yourself, then a.) You and I clearly have very different notions of an ideal Sunday afternoon, and b.) The least you can do is read Amazon’s compilation of quotations from the film, which includes such gems as “Are you serving that ape a martini?” and “Oh, no! The bad apes have the crystal lasers!”2

1Also the name of my childhood dog, a deeply disturbed pound puppy—part beagle, part doberman, and all crazy—who regularly tried to kill our houseguests and never learned that the way to a human family’s heart is not by, say, devouring their Easter baskets, plastic grass and all, and then puking up bits of chocolate bunny and colored aluminum foil all over their home and belongings for the next 24 hours, for example. Amy appears in my dreams more frequently than any figure from my childhood, with the possible exception of my unrequited high school crush.

2As far as Z and I could tell, this line was not actually in the movie, though it obviously should have been.

P.S. The second thing cable taught me this weekend: there is a Law & Order MOVIE. Who knew??

4 thoughts on “What cable taught me this weekend.

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