The post-Glitter world.

This weekend nkb_vp_ltl drove down to Haverford to attend our two-woman Ladies Liquor Colloquium. The plan was to have several too many cocktails and to discuss Matters of Import—standard Ladies fare. What we did not know—what, I believe, we could not have anticipated—was that we would experience a paradigm shift so seismic that it would reduce everything we thought we knew to rubble. I leave this Easter weekend a different person than I entered it.

We saw Glitter.

There is no satisfactory way to narrate the weekend’s events; indeed, it’s likely that narrative is no longer possible in the PGW (Post-Glitter World). What I can tell you is that yesterday we made bloody marys and watched Glitter and Crossroads back to back. Many notes were taken. We knew that Glitter had somehow changed everything, but we couldn’t say how. We couldn’t even say what had happened in the movie except that at one point Mariah’s head exploded into fireworks and we were pretty certain that disgusting man playing her love interest isn’t even an actor. We drank a bottle of wine. The only thing that seemed to make any sense anymore was karaoke, so we went to Yeats in Wynnewood, which has started doing karaoke on Saturday night. When we got there, we were informed that there was no karaoke because of Easter. We protested that this made no sense because obviously Jesus would want us to sing karaoke and anyway, we’d seen Glitter and what are ladies supposed to do in a post-Glitter world if there’s no karaoke? We ordered beers. We ordered dinner. We started talking to our waitress, who seemed to be the only person who made any sense to us anymore. We asked if she’d seen Glitter. She hadn’t. We wondered if it was possible to live in the post-Glitter world without having seen Glitter and if so, does our waitress (Kate), and is that why she speaks our language? We asked her what ladies are supposed to do in a post-Glitter world if there’s no karaoke and she said “go out, drink, and Dance Party USA.” I said, “What’s Dance Party USA?” She said, “Oh, that’s just what I call dancing.” We said, “You are one of us. Can we be your friends?” Then she was both our waitress and our friend and it turns out she used to work at Vinny T’s, a.k.a. Vinny Testa(cle)’s, a.k.a. “The Testicle,” which is so nkb_vp_ltl‘s favorite restaurant that she requested to go there for her birthday a few months ago and that’s where we were going to eat last night except that we were late for karaoke which wasn’t even there but if we had gone to The Testicle then we would never have had Kate for a waitress and then for a friend because she no longer works at The Testicle but at Yeats, where there was no karaoke because of Easter which makes Jesus sad on a day when he should be partying. This was precisely the moment we began to understand what it meant to live in a post-Glitter world. Everything was obviously fated and yet nothing made any sense. We finished our drinks and went to Kate’s house so she could feed meat to her dogs. Then we went to the Bar Behind the Wawa which was closed but because it’s a post-Glitter world Kate got the bartender to open back up just for us. We had our own bar. We called a local radio station to request music and nkb_vp_ltl left a long, detailed message on their answering machine explaining that we’d seen Glitter and there was no karaoke which is ridiculous because Jesus would totally, like, rock karaoke so we really, really, really needed them to play “Straight Up” and “I Hate Myself for Loving You” and “You Give Love a Bad Name,” and then Pat Benatar came on the radio and it was obvious the universe was, like, reading our minds, so we did a few shots of Surfers on Acid and toasted to “not going to The Testicle” and discussed What Would Jesus Sing? (Our bartender: “King of Pain?” Brilliant.) Then we all went back to Kate’s house, bartender too, and discussed The Simpsons and Family Guy and love and cannibalism and Glitter, above all Glitter, and then suddenly it was morning and we woke up nestled in among a pack of dogs in our waitress’s living room.

Chillin’ with our pack in a post-Glitter world.

One of us said: “What happened yesterday?”
The other said: “We saw Glitter, and woke up the next morning part of a pack of dogs.”

Xavier the pup understands Lady Z’s post-Glitter sleepiness.

Clearly it will take a lifetime to figure out just what it means to live in the PGW. Thus we have begun a new blog devoted to the question, What is going on? We call it I Saw Glitter Dot Com. We like to think of it as the beginnings of a new field of scholarly inquiry called “Glitter Studies.” Please drop in—we can’t take on the phenomenon that is Glitter all on our own, people.

When we got home this morning, we watched Glitter again. We are sick, sick ladies.

22 thoughts on “The post-Glitter world.

  1. Please drop in—we can’t take on the phenomenon that is Glitter all on our own, people.

    Oh my. Do I get extra points if I can do it sober? 😉

    And can we also watch “Showgirls”?

    You rock my world.

    • NKB was shocked—shocked—to learn that I’ve never seen Showgirls. Z has been insisting I see it since we got together.

      So yes. Yes, we can, and must.

      • 1. I have never seen Showgirls EITHER!
        2. I have been begging my friends to have a trifecta of a viewing night, which would include Glitter, Crossroads, and Gigli. And no one will watch them with me. I’m moving to your neck of the woods posthaste.

        And I’m sure Jesus would like Karaoke.

      • I’ve been learning a lot about the inner workings of my friends’ and family members’ spiritual lives by asking the question “WWJS?” (Which, by the way, NKB just wrote on a napkin last night and I immediately knew what it meant.) My father, for example, who oversaw my own Catholic upbringing, is apparently convinced Jesus would sing Streisand.

        Streisand.

        If “I Saw Glitter” takes off, we shall have to organize an international conference. You’ll get your viewings.

      • ohhhhhh The International ISG conference! I can’t wait!

        *checking on airfares and conference centers*

        Streisand, huh? I can think of worse.

        I am very sure he would tell us to burn all Springsteen records, and he might use the word “crap” to say so.

      • no j would TOTALLY sing springsteen.

        you ae entirely wrong about this…jesus was absolutely born to run and lived within a brilliant disguise.

      • Re: no j would TOTALLY sing springsteen.

        I have taken the liberty of compiling WWJS, Vol. 1. Nancy, you will get the first copy, of course. Others shall be made available upon request.

        “Thunder Road” is on there.

      • Re: no j would TOTALLY sing springsteen.

        while those things are definitely true — the running and the disguising parts — I’m sure that aging, gravelly-voiced, semi-whiny rockers-who-can’t sing have their own special place reserved for them.

        Somewhere else.

      • Re: no j would TOTALLY sing springsteen.

        I have long believed that the world is sharply divided between Springsteen fans and Springsteen haters. I’m not really sure what that tells us about the universe, though. 🙂

      • Re: no j would TOTALLY sing springsteen.

        that half of us have taste, and have of us don’t.

        Or that half of us are Boomers, and the rest ain’t.

        🙂

  2. Glitter

    Either I’m too old or I’m not drinking enough, because I’m not having this much fun. Well, I can solve one of those problems, can’t I?

    • Re: Glitter

      One of the things we discovered is that in the PGW, one doesn’t even have to drink as much for the universe to turn all wonky. I know no one will believe this from my account of the night, and certainly at some point it stopped being true, but a good part of the evening was dotted by the incredulous statement, “We’re not even drunk, are we??”

      So the answer is, come to I Saw Glitter and enter a whole new world.

      P.S. Not that I ever discourage drinking.

  3. So is this supposed to inspire people to see Glitter or to warn them away from it? I’ll admit that this has intrigued me to the point of considering watching it the next time it’s on TV. Am I sick because of that?

    • An excellent question. On the one hand, we want everyone esle to know what we’re talking about, so we’ve been telling everyone that they MUST see Glitter. On the other hand, we realized after calling everyone in our cell phones and telling them to see Glitter immediately that we were now culpable for all the inevitable trauma. As NKB put it, “Is it bad that I told people they had to watch the movie I just described as a 90-minute visual rape?”

      But to answer your question, yes, you are sick, but that’s why we like you around here.

  4. You blind me with your glittering insights. I am so in crush with you after this all-in-one-breath post, you may need to file a restraining order against me.

    I’m in awe of you watching Glitter, anesthetized or not. Have you seen Gigli? If you have and survived, I will upgrade my crush to full out worship and be your fawning acolyte.

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