Dear iTunes Music Store,
If someone had asked me, at any point until this evening, if I would pay my hard-earned money to watch the same crappy network programs I can watch for free on TV—would I, in other words, pay actual money for the freedom to watch (on my computer, whenever I want) shows that I don’t really want to watch (anywhere, ever)—I would have said no. Clearly, you knew this was not true, which is why you now sell crappy network programs for $1.99 a pop on the internet. You have ruined my life and stripped me of the last vestiges of my self-respect.
P.S. Please get CSI.